Fin!

So this will be the final entry regarding Fric & Frac...& Franny. Frac has decided that though keeping this blog has been SUPER helpful and wonderfully therapeutic for her, there is nothing left to say. And for her to continue writing, will only make it impossible for her to let go.

Let go. Let go. Let gggoooo.

She does not want to develop ill feelings for Fric or Franny, and she thinks it will be best to just leave them to eachother, peacefully. We hear that Fric and Franny are doing very well, or at least on the road to doing well...and Frac is happy for them.

She finally realizes, that it will just never be what it was in the Spring. What is it about Spring that heightens the senses in such a way?! Fric was Frac's prince for a season, and she is thankful to have had him. The lessons, the experiences, the love - she is thankful.

As for our heroine, she will be fine. Luckily, she has never learned how to hold back, so everything will work out for her as well.

She looks forward to the future, as always.

❤❤❤

Truth.

And I've lost all the things

That I lost in you

From losing ourselves

In eachother like we used to do.

-Robert Francis.

Why:

Frac is having such a tricky time with Fric because she has so little negative memories to draw on.

When Frac was dating an asshole named Olaf, he had cheated on her, and treated her like his personal slave for about 9 months...so when the time came for them to part ways, though Frac was startled (about the infidelity), and shaken - and maybe wanted to stay - in her heart of hearts she couldn't. She had stopped trusting Olaf months before the truth surfaced. For her to walk away from that, it was hard, because of the humongous, short notice life change that accompanied it. But it was easier because she could look back in her journal and see all the shitty shit Olaf had put her through. From leaving her at his work Christmas party for hours alone, or expecting her to do his million pounds of laundry that he accumulated every week, or taking complete care of his dog (which she would've done anyway because that dog was her kindred spirt, oddly enough), or coming home drunk every night. Leaving Olaf wasn't that taxing, though the mental damage he did was pretty hefty, THAT took time to recover.

When Frac dated a bloke named Racer, it was kinda hard to leave that one behind as well. Though it was the shortest relationship in recorded history, it was 80% lovely. They had only fun together, except the last few weeks - which were torture. It was hard for her to get out of that one, because NOTHING had gone wrong. They never had fights, they never had bad times, Racer just stopped wanted to hang out with Frac...apropos nothing.

Frac later found out that Racer was having a world of drama at the time and felt panicked, with made him come off as aloof. But Frac still doesn't excuse him :)

As for Fric...when she thinks about him, only the best days pop up. Which isn't how the human brain naturally operates. Generally, it's trained to focus solely on the negative. And though, those memories are there, they're in stock, they aren't at the top of the list. The top of the list is a sunrise in middle america. It's putting together Ikea furniture in Portland. It's seeing gigantic cows and getting an evil little puppy together. It's spending a Sunday in a hammock. It's spending a weekend in our nation's capital. It's eating Mediterranean food, Fric's most loved meal. It's Frac's first Dodger game. Or it's Fric splitting his head open trying to help Frac clean up her vomit :( It's so hard for Frac to let go completely, because of the strong connection they share, because of all the amazing times they've had, because she never felt more sure of the fact that she'd found that last squiggly piece to her puzzle. And that she was his squiggly piece as well. She'd never felt this way before. They like doing the same stuff. They listen to a lot of the same music, they drive fast, they love adventures. It's so much stuff that it's overwhelming.

Their only fights were regarding the F,F&F issues.

If she just had reasons for this split to be appropriate, it'd be easier. And Fric's happiness is a huge reason, reason enough. She just wishes there was more. Because all these good times, she'd only trade it if he asked her to. And he has. So she is.

And it gets easier all the time.

Flashback: Messages from Utopia.

Frac just found these in her journal. She keeps things like this, because she's a sap.

Circa March/April.

This one was completely random:

I just want to tell you how in love I am with you. I love the way you make me feel special and appreciated. You fill me with so much energy and passion it's like I'm high always. I love how you stimulate me and make me want to better myself and how you make me want to give you everything and be a man. I love you so much sweetheart.

This one was in response to Frac whining about not being able to see Fric:
It's good to be abrasive sometimes. Listen, Right now we don't get to be with eachother but soon we will. To me it is only a short time compared to all the life we get to live together when we DO get to be with each other. So think of like that and don't get frustrated about being apart. It is tough but it's all good because I love you and even though we have to wait I will never abandon you. Ever.

The Last Day ✂

As you wish.

✖✖✖

☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮

There are days of complete peace...and days of total chaos. Today, was peaceful. Frac got to sleep in, see a show with her Ma, take her dogs on a run, buy a really cool new shirt AND watch season 5 of House. What a lovely Friday.

Frac also got to talk to Fric a little bit, for a little bit. And that made her feel so good. Even though Fric doesn't want to be friends with Frac currently, it was good to hear his voice. She misses him. And it's safe to say that she always will.

Miraculously, Fric has taught Frac something new. They were always looking for things that Fric could give to Frac, because Frac was always giving Fric things. Such as, teaching him out to reverse uphill in a manual car, or how to use his iPhone to scroll to the top with one touch, or an obsessive sense of image (never said they were all good things), and lots more. But Fric has given Frac something much more valuable. Today she is overwhelmed with it. The emotion of ACTUALLY loving someone so much that their happiness is her only motivation. The saying that "I just want you to be happy, even if it's with someone else", Frac always thought was horse shit. Everyone is selfish and self centered and above all else: self serving. But today, Frac 100% felt the emotion of wanting Fric to be happy, even if it's with Franny. Genuinely.

Seeing Fric happy, ughk, it's one of the best things Frac has ever had the privilege of witnessing. She remembers the first day they spent together, in Washington DC - as far East as Fric had ever been. So vividly she can see how excited Fric was to wander around her city. Beyond the monuments and the museums and the sights to see - she mostly remembers how filled with glee he was to stomp around in the snow. It almost makes her cry to think of that little thing that made him SO happy. She can clearly see his beautiful, happy face when they rolled through the toll into Chicago on their cross country road trip. She can remember, perfectly, the way he looked when she came to visit him for the first time - in that shirt that was ruined that night, how his face lit up when she walked off the plane, all nervous and jet lagged and overdressed. That face, that voice he uses when he's happy - Frac would literally give anything for. And even if she never gets to see it - but knows its out there happening - that will be enough to peacefully leave him and Franny to their lives together. Happily.

Frac is sure they make eachother happy, how else, why else would they weather the storms they've weathered.

As for Frac, though some days are easier than others, she knows it'll all work out. She has always believed in the future, it's saved her life in many dark times. That luminous future. And it's there still, waiting patiently for her to arrive.

AHHH!!

Frac has decided that it's kind of the worst thing in the world to plan details of a trip that Fric & Frac were supposed to take together (that was Fric's idea) with someone else. She's on the verge of tears.

Where's that rogue bus!

Better.

Frac is filled with love today. She's had awesome experiences. She has lovely people in her life. She has all the things she needs and most of the things she wants. She has two lovely dogs. She is happy, and all is well.

Fric, we're sure, is on his road to happiness as well. And isn't that lovely. They have both figured out what they need, they got to spend time together, mostly in bliss - and teach eachother things that they needed to learn - and now they get to part ways.

Everything is turning out exactly the way it's supposed to. How comforting!

Learning How To Smile.

Today was good and bad. You will be reading about the bad parts, this isn't Disneyland, afterall.

Poor Frac, she is a mess at certain times of the day. Today was sad in the sad parts because Frac misses Fric so much. The last couple days, Frac's Ma has been visiting her, and this lone fact makes Frac miss Fric ohhh soooo much. Frac and Mama Frac are having so much fun, doing all the things that Fric would LOVE to be doing with them (they are getting new tattoos tomorrow!). And also, Frac wanted Fric to know her family very badly. So the fact that Mama Frac is here, and Fric is so close, and Fric & Frac being an inseparable duo was so close to the present, it makes Frac really bummed. Though she is having a great time, and 85% of the day was glorious, it's these little 15%s that can ruin an entire mood.

In the case of today, Frac is fine. She saw a couple on the beach, the dude had dark brown hair, the girl was a beautiful strawberry blonde ginger covered in freckles...and it actually made Frac smile a little. Fric and Franny look good together - and the one belongs to the other, it was silly of Frac to think otherwise. For this day, though it's been a bit sad in parts, Frac is happy. It's sad to realize these facts about the three of them...but it's also peaceful. Fric and Franny have such a wide, deep history...they know eachother's everything. Thats incredible.

Frac was thinking today....she wouldn't give up her very bestfriend either, not for the best upgrade in town. Frac is beginning to understand in much more authentic ways.

Each day, she feels oceans better. It will be over soon :)

I think and think and think, I‘ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.

-Jonathan Safran Foer.

THE LOVER SHOWETH HOW HE IS FORSAKEN OF SUCH AS HE SOMETIME ENJOYED

They flee from me, that sometime did me seek,

With naked foot stalking within my chamber:
Once have I seen them gentle, tame, and meek,
That now are wild, and do not once remember,

That sometime they have put themselves in danger
To take bread at my hand ; and now they range
Busily seeking in continual change.
Thanked be Fortune, it hath been otherwise
Twenty times better ; but once especial,
In thin array, after a pleasant guise,
When her loose gown did from her shoulders fall,

And she me caught in her arms long and small,
And therewithal sweetly did me kiss,
And softly said, 'dear heart, how like you this?'
It was no dream; for I lay broad awaking:
But all is turn'd now through my gentleness,
Into a bitter fashion of forsaking;
And I have leave to go of her goodness;
And she also to use new fangleness.
But since that I unkindly so am served:
How like you this, what hath she now deserve?

-Thomas Wyatt.

*Fric is no Anne Boleyn, but heartache is universal. And ouchhhh!

And These Crimes Between Grow Deeper.

Today Fric called Frac again.

It was unpleasant, though he wasn't meaning for it to be.

Frac wishes her emotions weren't so extreme.

Also, she is through with 23. She looks forward to 70...when things of this magnitude are easier to brush off.

As for now, Fric has said he will not contact Frac anymore, and they shouldn't be friends. And though Frac knows that'll be helpful in the long run - because the days are long, but the years are short - however today, in this moment, it has made her feel like mold. It is generous of him to try and be so helpful, but she can't get to that part right now. Right now she is wishing for a rogue bus while she walks her dogs.

Oh, Fric also mentioned that things with Franny are going great.

So :) Super for them.

Bullshit.

Well yesterday Fric decided to call Frac...just to say hi. And Frac, being the idiot she is, got really excited and answered the phone. But he just called to say hi and check on her, and tell her that he cut his own hair and destroyed it...and had to buzz it. Frac felt like she was going to throw up the instant she saw his face on her phone.

How is it possible, that this one single boy can rock Frac's life SO much, in SO little time. It's kind of startling. So, despite REALLY wanting to - Frac did not send him a text message asking to see his haircut. Instead, she leaned on her friends for a couple hours.

Frac's father reminded her that she shouldn't be giving everything away all the time. Thats what she does...she gives everything away. And though she considered his advice, because his experiences far outnumber hers. She decided he's just a jaded old man. Though Frac maybe shouldn't give everything away all the time, she will continue to. Trusting nobody is a hard way to live. And if you are always guarding against sadness, there is a good chance you'll accidentally shield off happiness as well.

But then Fric called her again, later in the day. This time, because Frac had left a bag of his stuff on his front porch, with a postcard that said nothing of any importance. Fric wasn't home. So when he called Frac later, she was confused. WTF! He wanted to know what the note said, because he had just got an aggressive text message from Franny saying she found an 'interesting note' on his porch. So Fric called Frac to make sure the note didn't say anything personal. And it didn't. It didn't even say Frac's name on it.

So Fric called Frac - to make sure he didn't have to lie his way out of a fight with Franny.

Lets read that one more time: Fric called Frac so that he could save face with Franny.

What a colossal douche nozzle.

Most days, Frac wishes them both well. If they are in love, and belong together, then so be it - and may they enjoy their lives. But yesterday, Frac wished bloody deaths on them both. Not only is Franny a head case for being THAT nosy to go through Fric's stuff. But furthermore she then sends an accusatory text message, as if Fric had to explain himself - since she wants to just be FRIENDS with him anyway. AND FRIC, calls Frac - who he KNOWS is completely heartbroken - to make sure he doesn't have to have a fight with Franny about Frac. They are both lying, manipulative little fuck faces - and Frac is over Fric and his drama. May he, and his girl, rest in peace.

It's amazing how self centered, selfish, disrespectful and shitty of a person he can be. Incredible.

Today, Frac hopes that she never sees him again.

Lets all hope this emotion will last in her.

Truth.

"Sometimes I feel so happy

Sometimes I feel so sad.

Sometimes I feel so happy

But mostly you just make me mad.

Baby you just make me mad.

Thought of you as my mountain top.

Thought of you as my peak.

Thought of you as everything I've had

but couldn't keep."

- The Velvet Underground.

OMG :)

Wow, this is incredible - and has made Frac's whole life happy.

Day 2.

Still no talky.

Frac likens this to the process of starvation. The first few days will be really brutal, but then it will ease up a bit. Once the stomach shrinks - and no longer needs the food - as it prepares for death.

Right?

Wow.

Today is the first day since the beginning of February that Fric & Frac have not spoken to eachother.

Frac thought she'd feel liberated by now.

And in some ways this first-day milestone does ease the devastation about a quarter of an inch.

But Frac realized this afternoon that she has a long road ahead of her.

Truth.

So the little prince, despite all the goodwill of his love, had soon come to mistrust her. He had taken very seriously certain inconsequential remarks and had grown very unhappy. 'I shouldn't have listened to her,' he confided to me one day. 'You must never listen to flowers. You must look at them and smell them. Mine perfumed my planet, but I didn't know how to enjoy that. The business about the tiger claws, instead of annoying me, ought to have moved me...' And he confided further, 'In those days, I didn't understand anything. I should have judged her according to her actions, not her words. She perfumed my planet and lit up my life. I should never have run away! I ought to have realized the tenderness underlying her silly pretensions. Flowers are so contradictory! But I was too young to know how to love her.'

-The Little Prince.

Truckin'.

Frac has discovered that it's really difficult not speaking to Fric anymore. There are so many things that happen during the day that she wants to share with someone. Yesterday she went to her favorite place in Los Angeles, and wanted to send him pictures so badly. She wants to tell him that she's pretty confident she broke her toe. And that she got a new washer and dryer. She wants to have a conversation with him about Guy Ritchie films and how irresponsible it is of him not to make ANY of the sequels. Frac wants to tell Fric that she misses him...and things don't seem to be as fun without his company.

But of course, these thoughts make Frac feel pathetic. So she will continue to write text messages and not send them. What is there to possibly say? Fric has willingly chosen to hurt Frac. Not being with Franny would not have hurt her, Franny gave Fric several green lights. And yet, Fric still chose to put Frac's heart through a blender. What is there to say?

Frac wishes that she could get past this part quicker.

Frac has a cool Dad.

Frac's father just sent her this text message, confirming their weekend hiking plans:

What a cool guy.

(spelling has always eluded that guy).

Truth.

if this ain't love then how do we get out?

because I don't know

that's when she said I don't hate you boy

I just want to save you while there's still something left to save

that's when I told her I love you girl

but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have.

-Rise Against.

bestfriend to the rescue!

Poor Frac. She was feeling really awful on her drive home from D Day. Thank goodness she has the world’s most amazing bestfrend, Leggy - who after listening to Frac’s sobbing rant for a solid ten minutes, talked her down to level within another ten minutes. It was pretty amazing. Leggy made Frac feel so much better. And she reminded Frac to be thankful and grateful for the things and people she has that DO love her unconditionally, and would never put her in 2nd place. Leggy reminded Frac that she should be second to no one.

And furthermore, reminded Frac that she is untouchable, and peasants like Fric shouldn’t be cramping her style anyway. But most importantly - Leggy had a brilliant motto that Frac has since adopted:

ONE THING ALWAYS LEADS TO ANOTHER.

Thank God for Leggy.

Also, Frac has resolved to make this her last lesson on this subject. Which is a huge step in the correct direction. Yay! Go Team Frac!

The End of Days...pt 2.

Another torrential day in the land of Fric & Frac.

As of press time, in our last episode Frac had told Fric that she didn’t want to be spending as much time with him anymore. Which, we all knew wasn’t going to stick. And it didn’t.

Last night at around 9pm Pacific Time, Fric asked Frac if he should sleep over that night - since he didn’t have to work the next day. Earlier yesterday Frac had felt a very intense wave of desperate panic, which we will assume was from her overly sensitive and correct intuition, and completely withdrew her pledge to spend less time with Fric. She had missed him so much, that she begged him to concede so they could go back to normal. He was resistant via text message - saying “but you JUST SAID you didn’t want to see me anymore”, etc. Soon after, Frac stopped her pleading, and they resumed a pretty normal text conversation. Then out of nowhere, Fric makes the statement “so should I sleep over tonight?”. Frac immediately responded yes, and got so excited that she jumped up and down. He would be getting off work about an hour and a half later, so Frac picked up her house a bit and got ready to go swoop up Fric at his home, 30 miles away. “YAYYYY” she squealed as she hopped into her car and began toward his house.

When she arrived, typical of Fric - he couldn’t even muster up the excitement to give her a two armed hug. But that didn’t kill Frac’s buzz at all, she was still jumping up and down and playing with his dog. When Fric got all of his stuff together, and they started on the journey back to Frac’s house - she realized that he wasn’t going to shake the gloom & dooms at all. And then somehow, that same conversation started again. She asked him not to text message Franny when they were together, and he willingly agreed - but was doing it in the car that night. So Frac, with her hurt feelings, jump started the conversation. She’s silly that way...always bringing up subjects she doesn’t want to discuss. In this version, Fric was feeling really bad about the situation. He said he is obviously doing something wrong or else he wouldn’t feel so awful about it. And Frac reluctantly agreed: reluctantly, because intuition told her that this was the wrong path to head down. Fric went on to say he is going to have to do something about it soon, choose one of us. Of course, this was the last thing Frac wanted to hear. Because she’s known all along that it’d never be her.

Fast Forward.

The next day they woke up late, Fric who is usually impossible to get out of bed, jumped out of slumber, dying to take Frac’s new motorcycle around the block a few times. And she let him, because she’d give two legs to see him get excitedly happy about something, and in this case - she didn’t have to. She just had to sit by patiently and give him her keys. Easy. After he got back, Frac wanted to go do something. Anything. They often find themselves at Disneyland, so she suggested that - just as a go-to. Fric wasn’t into it, but he surrendered. They had lunch, and went off to the happiest place on Earth. The entire day, the two of them had a hard time getting on the same track. He was grouchy, short, and absent - and she was nagging him to pay attention to her the entire day. But alas, Franny was on the other end of his phone - holding his attention firmly in her palms. Take a minute, reader, to experience the pain of Frac’s heart, that the only boy she has ever loved so much, can’t even pay attention to her when he’s standing right beside her. More than once, Frac had to hold back tears. She’s pathetic that way...always crying.

Fast Forward.

On their way back to Fric's house later that evening, it was very quiet. They barely said anything. Yet Fric was feeling very curious and every time Frac picked up her phone he HAD to know what she was doing with it. Whereas Frac hadn’t asked Fric what he was doing on his once...because she genuinely did not want to know. When Frac did speak to him, Fric completely ignored her. He acknowledged that he was ignoring her, and then continued to do so. Ouch.

Then the last conversation began. It was aggressive. The thing about Frac is that she’s been walking on eggshells for Fric for months now. She is 100% of the time trying really hard to be very good to Fric. She feels like one single slip up will give Fric cause to bounce-out on her again. She tries to be nice and considerate and thoughtful. She tries to make him feel happy and confident and loved. But sometimes, she has shit to say. She often holds it back. Today though, Frac decided to find the most gentle route to say a few harsh words. Frac just wanted to point out that Fric gets the best version of her...while he gives Frac the worst version of himself. Franny gets Fric’s A-game. He is always so sweet and kind and thoughtful and generous with Franny...while Frac gets to live according to his whims. All she wanted to say is that she wishes Fric could give her his attention when they are physically inhabiting the same space, when he's nowhere near her, he can do whatever the fuck he wants - and does. Sadly, as expected, Fric fucking exploded. In a much higher volume and harsher tone than was necessary, he told Frac that he can’t commit to her (we knew this). Fric told Frac that she is perfect in every way, and their connection is amazing and beautiful and she’s everything he wants, the only thing she lacks is that she is not Franny. Frac is not Franny, and therefore, Fric cannot love her. If you’re wondering if that hurt to hear, you can liken it to a punch in the mouth...from Governor Schwarzenegger...in the 80s. At that, Frac couldn’t hold back the dam of tears she’d been saving for the last 30 minutes - and it all came out. Fric yelled that he didn’t want to see Frac anymore and that he needed to put all his energy into Franny. Because he has to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that SHE isn’t what he needs. Fric has to know that Franny and him are dead, before he can move on. But since Franny has already told him to move on, and that she just wants to be friends - we are assuming that Fric will never find peace in his heart with Franny. And that is truly sad.

As for our heroine, she left his house a complete wreck. She couldn’t breathe, tears were marring her vision, it was quite the site. The thing is, is that Frac feels like a big stupid idiot. Especially since she JUST SAID she didn’t want to see him anymore. And especially because SHE KNEW from day one that this exact thing was going to happen. Frac remembers asking Fric if he would honestly want to get into another relationship after he JUST got out of such a big one. And she remembers Fric saying “yes, if we lived near eachother, and started dating exclusively long term, that’s what I’d want”. If Frac could only learn to trust her instincts.

The worst part is that she always falls for this exact same guy. The guy who is hung up on his ex and can’t give her 100%. Fric is the 4th boy in a row, in this exact same situation. And she’s only dated 5 of these scum bags. We wonder what is wrong with Frac. It’s clearly something serious. Pray for her.

Well this made Frac cry, an email from a loved & loving friend.

Dear Frac:

Kelsi wants Frac to know that she thinks Frac is amazing. She is intelligent and funny -- always making Kelsi laugh; always making Kelsi think. She's the friend that will drive for hours to hear Kelsi sing 3 measly songs. She's the person that lives her life flying by the seat of her pants -- something Kelsi only wishes she had the guts to do. She's the girl that always makes Kelsi feel like... Someone special -- she remembers being a freshman in high school, at the bottom of the totem pole, with a senior Frac at the top, making Kelsi feel equally as important.

She's always admired Frac.

Kelsi wishes Frac believed in herself as much as Kelsi does, and she wants Frac to know just how much she's inspired her. Over this last year, Kelsi has taken a lot of... Leaps of Faith. Leaps that she partly -- and until now, secretly -- credits to Frac. Even if Frac thinks that the choices she makes stem from childhood issues, and even thought that could be true... Kelsi's eyes were opened by it. She auditioned for a top-notch school -- out of nowhere. She's moving away from the town she's spent her ENTIRE life in. Going from a tiny town to a huge city. Kelsi has spent the last 3 years stuck in a rut, and now she finally feels like she's flying. Like she's LIVING.

Frac may not know it -- Frac may not believe it... But she unknowingly taught Kelsi how to do that.

Kelsi wants to thank Frac.
And she wants her to know she can talk to her about anything, if she ever needed to.
She also wants her to know that she'll keep reading her blog -- thinking of her and hoping and praying that everything turns out for the best.

Mostly, though, Kelsi wants to tell Frac that she is loved.

♥

Flashback: An Email from Utopia.

Hello my love. It's about 1:20am and I can't sleep. I can't sleep for a few hours after I get off work. It's a curse.

I was watching 'Community' on hulu. In that episode, some of the characters took a sailing class! They used a sail boat on a trailer in the parking lot. Isnt that great!? It made me hope for a sailing class! And it made me miss you a lot. So I decided to write you. Plus I figured I owe you at LEAST one email even though you didn't write me today :(. Or maybe yesterday I should say so hopefully you DO write me one today.

I love all the photos you send me. I love seeing your face and body. I want to hold you and sleep with you and wake up with you. And cook you breakfest and walk the dogs. I can go on forever. I just want to do everything with you. I feel my love growing for you everyday. It feels so amazing. Some people search their whole lives to feel like this. I am very thankful. You are such an amazing woman and I always want to tell you and let you know. I can not wait to see you. I can not wait to be able to be with you all the time. I think about it all day. I'm going to make it happen sooner than later I know it.

I am sorry if you thought I was being short about it earlier today. I wasn't. my boss was just pissing me off. I'll tell you later why. Anyway, I'm writing a fricken novel right now I think. And starting to get sleepy. I hope your haveing pleasnt dreams, hopefully about me, and I hope you have a great beautiful day. I'll txt you when I wake up. I love you sweet heart...with all of my heart.

Love, Fric.

Truth.

I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn't deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention. For exactly the same reason, it is sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray days where eight in the morning looks no different from noon and nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen and you are washing a glass in the sink and it breaks-accidentally-and punctures your skin. And then there is this shocking red, the brightest thing in the day, so vibrant it buzzes, this blood of yours. That is okay sometimes because at least you know you're alive.

- Augusten Burroughs.

Cold Turkey?

Today is a sad day in here in FracLand, Frac has felt like she’s about to vomit all morning. After spending the last three days with Fric, Frac has decided to cut him loose. The truth of the matter has always been that he doesn’t love her. Frac decided last night that she doesn’t want to spend time with Fric anymore, at all. She decided this because she went through Fric’s text messages and read his conversations with Franny. Fric & Frac often go through eachother’s phone history - because there is no trust in their relationship. What Frac found last night, wasn’t at all devastating. It was minor. Yesterday Frac asked Fric if she could go with him a birthday party being thrown today...and he said he’s have to ask the birthday boy. And Frac thought that was fair enough. Later in the day Fric said that Frac could not go, because Franny would be there. Which obviously made Frac feel like she wanted to vomit up all her internal organs and drown in a puddle of her own blood. But she let it go, because this is the hell she signed up for. But then her terrible investigative reporting revealed that Fric had actually invited Franny to go to the party with him about an hour after Frac had asked if she could go. So what actually happened was that Fric doesn’t WANT to spend time with Frac anymore. Fric doesn’t want to be seen with Frac around his friends. Fric wants to fall right back into the same routine of Fric & Franny. And of course, that makes Frac feel awful.

Fric has always maintained that he is just “going with the flow” and he doesn’t know what he wants yet, and he can’t commit to Frac, until he does. And Frac, in her infinite loving patience, has accepted this as reality. She believed that Fric was all tangled up in his emotions. Frac believed him when he was always saying that he doesn’t WANT to love Franny, but that he can’t help it. Frac took it as truth when Fric compared loving Franny to slowly being poisoned to death. He always refers to his emotions for her as "poison". Frac trusted Fric, she believes what he says. She understands how love can be poison. Frac has felt love for someone who didn’t deserve it before, certainly. And she couldn’t pull her self away...so she sympathizes with Fric. She wants Fric to find peace, and be happy. But of course, Frac wants that peaceful happiness to be found in her arms, not Franny’s. So, today Frac cut Fric loose. “Be free little butterfly”, and she released her cupped hands and unleashed him onto the world.

Fric of course, was scared. He defended his text messages and claimed that Frac had misread them. And in fact, she had. Franny was already planning to go, he just asked her if she’d like to go WITH him. But regardless, Frac had made up her mind. Much less time needs to be spend together.

The bummer of the situation is that Frac has done this before. On certain days she gets into a really great mental space and feels like she can let him go happily, and all will be right with the world. Some days she feels liberated and healthy and happy at the thought of not having Fric in her life anymore. Because, in fact - Fric & Frac will never work out anyway. So two times prior to today, Frac has resigned to let Fric go. She has openly supported the reunion of Fric and Franny. She is always letting Fric go. Each time she hopes it will stick, but so far, it hasn’t. The only thing that is different about today is that Frac told Fric this time. She said to him that they needed to spend less time together. Fric argued at first, he didn’t agree. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. But Frac was pretty consistent. She explained to Fric that they are never going to work out together. Ever. Not only will he always feel that loyalty to Franny - but also, Frac will never feel the way she did about Fric in the beginning. Because he has destroyed that beautiful Utopia where their love was created. Now, it will only be a broken, sad version of their love. If Frac hadn’t had to spend the summer waging this holy war against Franny, it may have worked out...but the fact of the matter is that SHE HAS had to. And Franny, has gotten zero of this heartache (Fric has given her lots of heartache, but none this summer). Fric doesn’t talk to Franny about Frac. Fric treats Franny like she’s the queen of the whole world. Anything she wants, she gets. Franny only gets the sweetest version of Fric, all icing and sugar. While Frac has to endlessly have conversations about Franny with Fric. Fric and Frac are always arguing. Fric goes to Frac and asks her how she thinks Franny feels about him. Fric and Frac have conversations when Franny is the only topic very often. Frac wants to be supportive and helpful and encouraging, she tries so hard. Because of this, Franny is always on Frac’s mind. Franny is a beautiful girl, and though Frac doesn’t KNOW her - she doesn’t doubt that she deserves all the riches of the world. Frac and Franny are very different girls - but Frac respects Franny. The only thing that takes from that respect is the fact that Franny would allow Fric to treat her like garbage, let him cheat on her “every weekend” (so Fric says), and break up with her whenever he wanted for 9 years...and consistently take him back. But as we’ve previously read - Frac doesn’t know about love like that. So maybe it’s outside her realm of understanding.

So today is a new chapter, hopefully. Hopefully Frac will be able to distance her heart from this terrible situation and gain some perspective. Hopefully Frac will be able to let Fric and Franny be together happily. She doesn’t want to feel jealous and envious and endless depths of despair - Frac wants to feel peace and love and gentleness. She wants to think of Fric and have positive memories come up. She wants to breathe again. Another fact is that Frac deserves a lot more than Fric and his callousness, she deserves to be loved the way Fric loves Franny goddamnit. Now hopefully, she can find it once his evil spell has worn off.

For tonight, Frac feels completely melancholy and ill and hopeless and is probably going to go get wasted with some underage hooligans at the beach and try to remember that she is untouchable.

Ughk.

So last night, Fric and Frac had a pretty in depth conversation - but it’s the same conversation they always have. They’ve had this conversation about 50 times. Fric feels bad, because he’s in love with two women. And Frac, being the sweetest angel that has ever graced the surface of the Earth - is forever trying to reassure him. Remind him that she think he’s amazing and is willing to risk the health of her entire heart for the off chance that, at the end of this bloody war - she’ll be victorious. When in fact, it’s almost certain that Frac’s troops will be slaughtered. The only reason she holds out is for the off chance that Franny changes her mind. Or something. Because, Fric has made it quite clear that Frac can be perfect in every way, have a slammin body, their time spent together can be 98% fun and 2% sleeping, she can give him everything - buy him the things he wants, fly him places, feed him, wash him, be unconditionally loving - and it will never be good enough. The second Franny tugs on Fric’s little leash, he will be gone from Frac’s life indefinitely.

But beyond that, Frac has been spending a lot of time thinking about why she is so unwilling to let Fric go. Much of it has to do with the fact that Fric loves Frac. Frac was raised in a cut throat pack of wild savages, and every time somebody falls in love with her - she is always shocked, and sure that this is the only person on Earth who will ever love her or understand her and she must hold onto that person. Frac spent almost every day of her childhood praying that her real parents would come for her any day. Or that her real mother would see her walking the streets with this asshole lady that had kidnapped her. She’s always known that her family is not a family at all - but merely a random gathering of people assigned to be near eachother. Frac would be a lot better off if she’d had a more loving clan, and wasn’t always afraid of everybody in the world leaving her. But alas, Frac is a little fuct up, Freud and I agree that it was because her parents got a divorce.

Regardless of the ridiculous need to have someone love her, why can’t Frac leave Fric to his life? Why does Frac feel an undeniable irresistible connection to him, so strong that she is willing to put her vital organs through a meat grinder for the 5% chance that Fric will love her? THAT we currently don’t know. But here are some interesting facts about Fric and Frac:

1. They have very few positive things in common. They like the same movies, they have dogs, they enjoy Mediterranean food, they are from California.

2. They have many negative things in common. They were both betrayed and violated in their childhoods. They both come from broken families. They both steal shit, do drugs, treat people like slaves, break laws, cheat on their lovers, have tattoos, judge harshly, encourage eachother to be worse.

3. Fric wants children, Frac does not.

4. Fric is a short temper, Frac lets him walk all over her.

5. Fric owes Frac two thousand dollars, and had the audacity to ask to borrow another two thousand dollars.

6. Fric is a dreamer, Frac is a realist.

7. Frac is a vegetarian, Fric is not.

8. Frac always tries to be healthy, Fric does not.

9. Fric smokes cigarettes, Frac does not.

10. Fric is a party animal, Frac is an introverted wall flower.

11. They both repeatedly treat eachother like garbage.

12. They bring out the worst in eachother.

13. They lie to eachother.

14. Fric often ignores Frac, whether she is sitting right next to him or in another state.

15. Fric is filled with dreams and plans and ambitions, Frac has none.

16. They often guilt trip eachother, make the other one sad, and are always trying to ruin eachother’s day.

Truth.

Envy is awful. Unlike jealousy, which comes from the threat of losing what you cherish, envy is a dark desire for things over which you have no right to claim.

- Hilary Hamann.